Trust Your Intuition

Mother's intuition... What sparked the idea for this entry was when I was telling my friend tonight about the car ride I took on the way to the hospital just before my youngest was born. I will never forget that moment. Let me share with you.

My son, who was born with major and rare congenital heart diseases (hypoplastic right heart syndrome and tricuspid atresia -- Micah's birth story here), was not diagnosed until he was a few hours old (and thank GOD for that, otherwise he would have died suddenly at about a week old). While I was pregnant with Micah, I had this continuous feeling that something was wrong. Like seriously, terribly wrong. Every time I went to the doctor and had any ultrasound, I was just waiting for them to give me the bad news. Every ultrasound, however, gave me a short-lived moment of relief when they said that his heart looked perfect and he looked great. I try not to let those words haunt me.

It got to the point that I was feeling reluctant to put together his nursery. I remember getting the thought, "Why put together things for this baby that I will never bring home from the hospital?" I simply could not shake these thoughts. I prayed and prayed... had long conversations with God about Micah. I would go to bed sometimes hugging my belly, crying and telling Micah how much I loved him, and that I hoped to be able to cuddle him once he was born.

During that drive to the hospital, I remember praying, as my husband drove, "Lord, I will take this baby however he comes." When he started breathing funny soon after he was born, I was confused. I didn't react too much. I was still. After a few hours of time in the NICU, I was wondering why I still didn't have him. That is when my husband walked in with dread on his face. He told me that Micah was going to be transferred to another hospital and that he is going to need heart surgery (and come to find out a few more hours later that he would eventually need three heart surgeries, total). My husband sat there and wept - the first time in seven years that I saw him fully break down.

And yet, I was more worried about my husband than I was about my son. I knew that Micah was in God's hands, period. I went through my own little roller coaster of shock when Micah was two days old and I was all alone on in the hospital room without my newborn and my older four were at home. But, when I was clear headed, I came to terms with what we were facing. I decided at that moment that I was going to trust God, no matter the outcome.

I praise Jesus that my son is still living. He is 14 months old and is a breath of fresh air. Smart, funny, adorable, sweet - you name it. My son is a product of God's grace and mercy.

Now, when I say that we need to trust our intuition, I'm not saying that every bad feeling is going to equal something tragic. But when you feel that something is wrong with your child, get it checked out. If the doctor says it isn't anything, but you feel differently, get a second opinion. I knew something was wrong with  Micah, and we found out eventually. The same with one of my twins, Lily. I knew something was wrong with her vision, and when her doctor didn't see it, I took her to an ophthalmologist on my own. She started wearing glasses at 19 months :)

We, as mothers, know our children more than any professional out there. They are here for advice and guidance, but when it comes down to it, YOU are responsible for your babies. You know them. You understand them. And if something in your gut is telling you other than someone else, look into it. I believe that God gives us this gift. We are biologically bound to our children, and we have been blessed to know them more intimately than any medical book or test can predict.

Stay close to your children. Hug them and kiss them often. Remember the special moments you have had in your life because of them. Remember how they have changed you. We need them just as much as they need us :)

How do you manage so many kids?

Often times, and I mean frequently, I am asked how I can possibly manage to have five children.

"I go crazy with two!"
"I only have three part time, I don't know how you do it!"

I can give you my answer: We all succeed with what we need to.

I have a friend of mine who has the three kids and is also a full time worker in a medical office. She amazes me. She works so hard and manages to keep all of her children happy and healthy. She pushes herself as far as she can go as a mother, yet still works 8 hours shifts five days a week. How does she do it?

Another friend of mine has been a single mother for nearly two years. She has faced some significant obstacles financially, but was always optimistic and found ways around them. Her daughter is extremely intelligent and well-rounded. How has she done it?

In the end, we must follow through with what we are handed. Or, what we hand ourselves.

I chose to have five kids. Well, my husband and I did haha. We accepted the responsibility the moment we decided to conceive each of these babies (yes, all were planned. Well... one of the twins was  surprise ;) haha).

Is it hard? Heck yes it is! How often do I go out with friends? Randomly and for limited hours when I do... but I'm ok with that. I know that every single Friday night is going to be spent home. My husband works nights and goes to school once a week, so I only have help with bed time one time a week. Is it hard? Yes. But it's ok. It is my life. It's what I'm used to.

If I suddenly had ten kids I think I'd go crazy! But hey! Looks at the Duggars! 19 children?! Yet they are managed well, they're intelligent and happy, well-mannered children. They handle what they set out to take care of.

To you parents of one: I applaud you, really. I remember having one. It is not simple. Your whole life revolves around your kids no matter how many you have. Whether it is one or seven, we're all in the same boat. We must strive to push forward with our parenting and sharpen our abilities at every chance we get.

I, by far, am no super mom. Yes, my children are well-behaved (for the MOST part LOL they still have their spaz moments), loving, and amazing children (in my eyes anyway :) haha) BUT I still struggle with keeping up with the daily drag of laundry, dishes, messes, and my list of things to clean and fix. It is a never-ending battle to complete everything every day. But THAT IS OK!

Not ONE of us is perfect - no matter how many friends of yours posts pictures and statuses of how many cakes they baked while vacuuming AND nursing a baby at the same time. We must remember that it is human nature to fail... but it is also our nature to get right back up and push onward to improve where we've failed.

As I close for tonight, renew your faith in yourself. You can do ANYTHING that has been set in front of you to complete. Do not let doubt and frustration get in the way. Take a deep breath - plan or change what needs attention. You're going to be ok :)

Character

On a side note, it's been a while since I've written.. life has been incredibly busy. To be honest, I don't remember when my last entry was... but I guess that when one has five children, things tend to speed up and blur. Yay for excuses?

Anyway -

It is 4:30am right now. I have had a headache all day and was unable to sleep. I got up and started sorting through the clothes my children have outgrown and I went through bags of clothes that they now fit. I was lost in thought a few times about how much they've grown, how far they've come, and where they're going.

After sorting and cleaning a little, I sat down at my computer. My screen saver is a slide show of the pictures in my folder labeled "all kids" so I get to see alllllll the way from when my oldest was a newborn up to present pictures. I probably sat her for 20 minutes, just watching away. It made me think and reflect even further.

All in all, I was able to see throughout the years that my children were loving toward each other. There are times when us mothers (and fathers) doubt the effectiveness of our parenting... whether or not we are doing a good "enough" job. The visual confirmation to me that I am succeeding as a parent was portrayed in those photos. Smiling, hugging, kissing, loving children toward each other.

Sometimes having a perfectly behaved child or one that is a genius is not what the definition of success in child-raising is. Character is a huge factor, if not the most important, in success in life.

So to you mommies (and daddies) out there - love your kids. Teach them to love each other. Teach them respect, honesty, integrity. Teach them patience and allow them to experience disappointment. But more than anything, teach them through your example.

At the end of the day, you are not going to be thinking about the trophies and awards that your children have accumulated... but the character that makes them. Build them up, and they will keep you going!

Mommy! Look! Balloons!!

There are those days that we have as mothers where we are so wound up and overflowing with stress, that we forget to enjoy our children.

Sometimes we - or at least I will admit for myself - get annoyed with our kids and get stuck in a funk of being annoyed with every little thing the child says.

A week ago or so I was having a really rough time with staying positive... just waiting and hoping every day there, for a while, that nap time or bed time would just hurry up so I can have a break.

And then Hannah (almost 3) said something that hit me between the eyes and softened my heart...

"Mommy! Look!!! Balloons!!!" 

The tender innocence of my child broke me. The simple awe and wonder that she portrayed made me snap out of my mood and mentally slap myself.

THIS IS A BABY! Yes, she (and her siblings) spill things, make gigantic messes, fight with each other, constantly tug at my clothes for something, demand attention, love, and hugs CONSTANTLY... BUT! They. Are. Children. They. Are. INNOCENT!

Moments like these make me really disappointed in myself. Maybe I am too immature to be the mother that they need? I'm 26 and I have five kids. What have I done to them?

I can imagine that I am not the only one who gets caught up in selfish thinking... but I surprise myself in a bad way sometimes.

I would die for these children. If I could give my heart to Micah, a new set of eyes (although mine aren't a good trade) to Lily, anything to the others... I would. I would attack the heck out of anyone who would dare mess with my kids.

And here I am.... not being the way I would expect others to be with my babies.

No, I'm not abusive. I don't think I'm a bad parent. But days like this simply remind me that we need to stop and smell the roses. This includes stopping to look at the balloons with our sweet little babies.

Stop and "smell the children" perhaps ;) lol

Stop trying to rush things and enjoy your sweet little creations.


I can tell you one thing for sure - if you catch yourself finding awe and wonder in balloons a little more often and find yourself annoyed a little less often.. I think you will be satisfied with yourself at the end of the day a little bit more :)

It is hard being strong for everyone else, when you feel so weak

As most people imagine, being a mother of five is not glamorous or picture perfect in the slightest. Not only do I have five children, but one of them has special needs. Although he does not have a mental handicap, Micah's heart defect does not make him an average child. With the constant visits to the cardiologists and the pediatrician, plus other check ups, I have been kept quite busy with just this one child. That, in addition to the two open heart surgeries he's had in the past seven months, has made the entire last half of 2012 almost a blur.

Not only do I have my baby who has his congenital heart disease, but one of my twins has an eye problem and requires glasses and regular trips to the ophthalmologist, which is 30 miles away. I take my son and pick him up from school five days a week, keep up with his homework, make sure I take care of the bills, grocery shopping, making and preparing three meals a day, and other doctors appointments, as well. I hurt my neck two weeks ago and have already seen the chiropractor four times. I got shingles when we were first home from the hospital when Micah was only a month old. I nurse the baby, now, about six times a day. I always feel like I am rushed, everywhere I go. I am rushed to take care of the children, I am rushed to do my duties the wife, I am rushed to spend my free time and to hurry up and have fun.

I had five children in just over six years. Having twins really messed up my body, and I cannot get over the fact that I look like someone who recently had weight loss surgery and was left with some excess skin in the stomach area. My self esteem, physically, has been shot for about four, almost five years now. I have lost weight, but I guess you could say I am feeling a bit discouraged right now in almost all areas of my life.

The only thing good that I have going for me, in this moment, is the fact that I have my children and my husband. The reason that I am writing this is because I need to see it on paper, that even though I have a million things going on, the above sentence is what matters in this life. I need to remind myself that I do have my five children and my husband. I need to slap myself out of this self pity and almost depression, and not let it get any further than this. I need to continue to be strong, no matter how I'm feeling. These children and my husband need me.

Why am I writing this for other people to see? Because I know that you, out there, might be feeling the way that I am, too. I know that I can't be the only one feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and sometimes hopeless. But the truth is, I am NOT hopeless. I'm tired. That's what it is, I'm tired.

Life is all about choices. Do I wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Do I prepare a full on gourmet dinner for my family tonight, or do I make sandwiches? Do I stay knocked down, or do I get back up and live as the woman that I know I am? Sometimes we pick the good choice, sometimes we don't. I think I have had enough of picking the choice to feel defeated. When my son was born with tricuspid atresia, I made the decision that I would not become defeated from this. I need to also make that decision for my life. I need to find a source to get my stress out. I need to find strength in other people, perhaps? Whatever I am going to do, I'm going to reach out, reach up, and push onward. Jacob, Leah, Lily, Hannah, Micah, and my husband all deserve that from me. And you want to know the truth? I deserve that, too.

And so do you

Micah had his second open heart surgery

Well! It happened! My strong little man went through his second open heart surgery!

Not only was Micah's surgery successful, but he took it like a champ! We have been home now for two days and he is 10 days post op! Baby boy is also six months old today (started writing this late on Sat) and he has two major heart operations under his belt.... Diaper.

To say that I am proud of my boy is a strong understatement. This child has taught me more about myself than I would have ever expected.

To those of you who don't know, my son was born with a rare heart defect combo called Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome and Tricuspid Atresia. His congenital heart disease was unknown until a few hours after his birth. It has been quite the journey over the past six months, let me tell you! Having four other children and then adding this into the mix has definitely been a test of character, to say the least... I have found myself at dark moments many times and have had to reach deep inside myself to snap out of how I was feeling and focus on my children, first, instead.

But enough about me.


Here's a quick recap: Micah had his first open heart when he was 11 days old. They put a shunt in his heart to hold a passageway open for blood to circulate to his lungs (the ventricle that carries blood to his lungs never developed, and his tricuspid valve is nonexistent), they also created another passageway by removing some tissue (to ensure that his lungs would get blood), and they put a band around his pulmonary artery to control how much oxygen would be able to come into his body and, therefore, not overwork his only working ventricle that is operating his entire body. Micah's body is only capable, at this time, to reach between 75-85% oxygen (as opposed to 100% as you and I can achieve).

So that's what happened when he was a week and a half old.

This time around, my little warrior had the shunt removed, had the pulmonary artery tied off (I believe - might need to edit this if I find out differently), and he had a Glenn operation where they basically rerouted some of his anatomy. They connected the flow of oxygen to  his brain and upper body so that he had more oxygen available. His third procedure, when he's 3 years or about 30 pounds, will be the Fontan operation where the connect the rest of his body (his lower body) to a better oxygen flow.

before surgery

My son went into surgery at 7am and came out about 4 hours later. They were able to get him off the ventilator before leaving the operating room (last time they waited till he was a day post op). He was very groggy for the next day.

What we weren't aware of till the day before his operation was the fact that Micah would have a massive headache for the first day or two from the change in oxygen in his brain. His head kinda looked inflated (with the new O2 mixed with the swelling that surgery causes).

Now, Micah had said "momma" twice before, a week or two prior to surgery... but the night of his operation he learned how to cry for me... "momma, momma momma" oooooover and over and over! It was so terrible! I cannot even explain it! Why, baby, why did you learn how to cry for me at this time? I felt so helpless because I couldn't pick him up yet :( It was awful, simply AWFUL!

Shortly after surgery

I'm getting ahead of myself... When he came out he had three chest tubes draining blood from his body (this is typical of a lot of surgeries), oxygen for assistance in breathing, a line going directly in the artery in his neck in case he needed more blood (and he did end up having blood transfusions during surgery - thank you to my husband and my friend, Monique, from church, for donating!) which he did one day post op (thank you to the anonymous donor for that), as well as lines that went directly to his heart in case they needed to send a pulse due to rhythm problems (those weren't used)... he was full of IVs and wires everywhere. I was prepared for that, and didn't panic. It was still hard to see, don't get me wrong, but I knew it had to happen.

Seeing him thrash around in pain, moaning for his momma, however, I was not prepared for.

They had to keep upping his morphine and other pain killers almost constantly, it seemed... By the time morning rolled around, he was literally sedated from the amount of medication that they pumped into him. I was happy to see him sleeping. My husband and I slept at the Ronald McDonald House the night of his surgery.. I felt so selfish.. but I could not bear to see him in so much pain. I wouldn't have slept at all if I was in his room with him. I am SO glad that is over...

Finding comfort in momoma

finally able to hold him

Anyway, after that horrible, first night, time moved along at a good pace. He got transferred out of the ICU into acute care pretty quickly, and we went home when he was 8 days post op. We would have gone home at 4 days if the nurses had realized that this little booger is a crazy wiggly thing and he kept setting off his monitors as false alarms. He kept reading at low 60s for his oxygen but his color was great and there was no way that he was that low. Oh well! Daddy and I stayed in his room the remainder of the time. 

The discoloration is from his sensitivity
to tape. His incision looks great.

Children's Hospital is AMAZING! We are so grateful for them! Their entire staff is wonderful, kind, and all made personal connections with us. That is the kind of stuff that us parents need when our children are in such terrible situations. A friendly "hi" from the custodians really made a difference. Their nurses are SUPERB, as well. If any of you find yourselves in a predicament that requires you to take your children to the ER, see if you can get to the nearest Children's Hospital - it will be one of the best decisions you make!

So, here we are, 10 days post op, and this little man is acting like nothing happened! We are back to scooping him up under the head and butt (we cannot pick him up under the arms for the next two months to avoid cracking his chest back open) and he is on three medications (one to help the functioning of his heart, one to get the extra fluids off his body, and one to help his lungs gain access to the oxygen that is available in his body)... but beside the new battle wound on his chest and three new incisions from the chest tubes.. you would have NO idea that this kid has had anything but a perfect life!

Micah, you are my hero. I will stand by you through all your trials and any hard times you may face in the future. But know that my life would not be as great as it is without you. I am a better person. I love you.

On My Momma's Chest - Love, Micah

Hi mommy!
Now, you pay attention here...
Look deep into my eyes
And open up your ears.

Here goes another battle.
It is upon us.
Don't you forget who's in charge, though!
Remember Jesus?

Don't make me grab your hair,
You look back at me!
Momma, don't look sad.
I'm sitting here, smiling!

We don't know what the future holds,
And yes I know, it's scary.
But remember who made my heart.
And remember that His does not grow weary.

Look at this grin across my face,
And see the cute strands of drool slide down.
I promise I will give you no reason
To cry or frown.

I met Jesus in the operating room
Just a few months ago.
He held the surgeon's hands
And kept my heart beating to and fro.

He let me know that He loves you,
Too, Momma. He really does!
He also said he's the same today,
Just like yesterday, he was.

He promised me that
I can trust him and that you need to let go.
Momma... I love you!!
Look down into my face and know!

I love reaching up and grabbing your cheek.
You always tickle me and I love to squeal!
Momma, you always hug me just the right way
And you have helped my heart become strong enough to heal.

One week to go till I get to
Feel Jesus' touch again!
I really loved His gentle hands
And could hear every echoing "amen."

When I grow up I am going to
Make you so proud, mommy.
So stop your tears
And have some faith in me.

Let me hold your face in my gooey hands,
And hold on to me like you always do.
Stay in constant prayer and please,
Don't forget to thank "you know who."

Sometimes God allows us to go through things
To learn how to really trust Him.
I've learned this in my many years... Um..
Months... of wisdom.

So smile right now, momma!!!
Let's laugh together and play till we need rest!
Let my heart beat as I listen to yours while I fall asleep
In the safest place in this world... On my momma's chest.

Love Micah - 5 1/2 months old and wise beyond his... "years" :)