Not only do I have my baby who has his congenital heart disease, but one of my twins has an eye problem and requires glasses and regular trips to the ophthalmologist, which is 30 miles away. I take my son and pick him up from school five days a week, keep up with his homework, make sure I take care of the bills, grocery shopping, making and preparing three meals a day, and other doctors appointments, as well. I hurt my neck two weeks ago and have already seen the chiropractor four times. I got shingles when we were first home from the hospital when Micah was only a month old. I nurse the baby, now, about six times a day. I always feel like I am rushed, everywhere I go. I am rushed to take care of the children, I am rushed to do my duties the wife, I am rushed to spend my free time and to hurry up and have fun.
I had five children in just over six years. Having twins really messed up my body, and I cannot get over the fact that I look like someone who recently had weight loss surgery and was left with some excess skin in the stomach area. My self esteem, physically, has been shot for about four, almost five years now. I have lost weight, but I guess you could say I am feeling a bit discouraged right now in almost all areas of my life.
The only thing good that I have going for me, in this moment, is the fact that I have my children and my husband. The reason that I am writing this is because I need to see it on paper, that even though I have a million things going on, the above sentence is what matters in this life. I need to remind myself that I do have my five children and my husband. I need to slap myself out of this self pity and almost depression, and not let it get any further than this. I need to continue to be strong, no matter how I'm feeling. These children and my husband need me.
Why am I writing this for other people to see? Because I know that you, out there, might be feeling the way that I am, too. I know that I can't be the only one feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and sometimes hopeless. But the truth is, I am NOT hopeless. I'm tired. That's what it is, I'm tired.
Life is all about choices. Do I wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Do I prepare a full on gourmet dinner for my family tonight, or do I make sandwiches? Do I stay knocked down, or do I get back up and live as the woman that I know I am? Sometimes we pick the good choice, sometimes we don't. I think I have had enough of picking the choice to feel defeated. When my son was born with tricuspid atresia, I made the decision that I would not become defeated from this. I need to also make that decision for my life. I need to find a source to get my stress out. I need to find strength in other people, perhaps? Whatever I am going to do, I'm going to reach out, reach up, and push onward. Jacob, Leah, Lily, Hannah, Micah, and my husband all deserve that from me. And you want to know the truth? I deserve that, too.
And so do you
