Trust Your Intuition

Mother's intuition... What sparked the idea for this entry was when I was telling my friend tonight about the car ride I took on the way to the hospital just before my youngest was born. I will never forget that moment. Let me share with you.

My son, who was born with major and rare congenital heart diseases (hypoplastic right heart syndrome and tricuspid atresia -- Micah's birth story here), was not diagnosed until he was a few hours old (and thank GOD for that, otherwise he would have died suddenly at about a week old). While I was pregnant with Micah, I had this continuous feeling that something was wrong. Like seriously, terribly wrong. Every time I went to the doctor and had any ultrasound, I was just waiting for them to give me the bad news. Every ultrasound, however, gave me a short-lived moment of relief when they said that his heart looked perfect and he looked great. I try not to let those words haunt me.

It got to the point that I was feeling reluctant to put together his nursery. I remember getting the thought, "Why put together things for this baby that I will never bring home from the hospital?" I simply could not shake these thoughts. I prayed and prayed... had long conversations with God about Micah. I would go to bed sometimes hugging my belly, crying and telling Micah how much I loved him, and that I hoped to be able to cuddle him once he was born.

During that drive to the hospital, I remember praying, as my husband drove, "Lord, I will take this baby however he comes." When he started breathing funny soon after he was born, I was confused. I didn't react too much. I was still. After a few hours of time in the NICU, I was wondering why I still didn't have him. That is when my husband walked in with dread on his face. He told me that Micah was going to be transferred to another hospital and that he is going to need heart surgery (and come to find out a few more hours later that he would eventually need three heart surgeries, total). My husband sat there and wept - the first time in seven years that I saw him fully break down.

And yet, I was more worried about my husband than I was about my son. I knew that Micah was in God's hands, period. I went through my own little roller coaster of shock when Micah was two days old and I was all alone on in the hospital room without my newborn and my older four were at home. But, when I was clear headed, I came to terms with what we were facing. I decided at that moment that I was going to trust God, no matter the outcome.

I praise Jesus that my son is still living. He is 14 months old and is a breath of fresh air. Smart, funny, adorable, sweet - you name it. My son is a product of God's grace and mercy.

Now, when I say that we need to trust our intuition, I'm not saying that every bad feeling is going to equal something tragic. But when you feel that something is wrong with your child, get it checked out. If the doctor says it isn't anything, but you feel differently, get a second opinion. I knew something was wrong with  Micah, and we found out eventually. The same with one of my twins, Lily. I knew something was wrong with her vision, and when her doctor didn't see it, I took her to an ophthalmologist on my own. She started wearing glasses at 19 months :)

We, as mothers, know our children more than any professional out there. They are here for advice and guidance, but when it comes down to it, YOU are responsible for your babies. You know them. You understand them. And if something in your gut is telling you other than someone else, look into it. I believe that God gives us this gift. We are biologically bound to our children, and we have been blessed to know them more intimately than any medical book or test can predict.

Stay close to your children. Hug them and kiss them often. Remember the special moments you have had in your life because of them. Remember how they have changed you. We need them just as much as they need us :)

How do you manage so many kids?

Often times, and I mean frequently, I am asked how I can possibly manage to have five children.

"I go crazy with two!"
"I only have three part time, I don't know how you do it!"

I can give you my answer: We all succeed with what we need to.

I have a friend of mine who has the three kids and is also a full time worker in a medical office. She amazes me. She works so hard and manages to keep all of her children happy and healthy. She pushes herself as far as she can go as a mother, yet still works 8 hours shifts five days a week. How does she do it?

Another friend of mine has been a single mother for nearly two years. She has faced some significant obstacles financially, but was always optimistic and found ways around them. Her daughter is extremely intelligent and well-rounded. How has she done it?

In the end, we must follow through with what we are handed. Or, what we hand ourselves.

I chose to have five kids. Well, my husband and I did haha. We accepted the responsibility the moment we decided to conceive each of these babies (yes, all were planned. Well... one of the twins was  surprise ;) haha).

Is it hard? Heck yes it is! How often do I go out with friends? Randomly and for limited hours when I do... but I'm ok with that. I know that every single Friday night is going to be spent home. My husband works nights and goes to school once a week, so I only have help with bed time one time a week. Is it hard? Yes. But it's ok. It is my life. It's what I'm used to.

If I suddenly had ten kids I think I'd go crazy! But hey! Looks at the Duggars! 19 children?! Yet they are managed well, they're intelligent and happy, well-mannered children. They handle what they set out to take care of.

To you parents of one: I applaud you, really. I remember having one. It is not simple. Your whole life revolves around your kids no matter how many you have. Whether it is one or seven, we're all in the same boat. We must strive to push forward with our parenting and sharpen our abilities at every chance we get.

I, by far, am no super mom. Yes, my children are well-behaved (for the MOST part LOL they still have their spaz moments), loving, and amazing children (in my eyes anyway :) haha) BUT I still struggle with keeping up with the daily drag of laundry, dishes, messes, and my list of things to clean and fix. It is a never-ending battle to complete everything every day. But THAT IS OK!

Not ONE of us is perfect - no matter how many friends of yours posts pictures and statuses of how many cakes they baked while vacuuming AND nursing a baby at the same time. We must remember that it is human nature to fail... but it is also our nature to get right back up and push onward to improve where we've failed.

As I close for tonight, renew your faith in yourself. You can do ANYTHING that has been set in front of you to complete. Do not let doubt and frustration get in the way. Take a deep breath - plan or change what needs attention. You're going to be ok :)

Character

On a side note, it's been a while since I've written.. life has been incredibly busy. To be honest, I don't remember when my last entry was... but I guess that when one has five children, things tend to speed up and blur. Yay for excuses?

Anyway -

It is 4:30am right now. I have had a headache all day and was unable to sleep. I got up and started sorting through the clothes my children have outgrown and I went through bags of clothes that they now fit. I was lost in thought a few times about how much they've grown, how far they've come, and where they're going.

After sorting and cleaning a little, I sat down at my computer. My screen saver is a slide show of the pictures in my folder labeled "all kids" so I get to see alllllll the way from when my oldest was a newborn up to present pictures. I probably sat her for 20 minutes, just watching away. It made me think and reflect even further.

All in all, I was able to see throughout the years that my children were loving toward each other. There are times when us mothers (and fathers) doubt the effectiveness of our parenting... whether or not we are doing a good "enough" job. The visual confirmation to me that I am succeeding as a parent was portrayed in those photos. Smiling, hugging, kissing, loving children toward each other.

Sometimes having a perfectly behaved child or one that is a genius is not what the definition of success in child-raising is. Character is a huge factor, if not the most important, in success in life.

So to you mommies (and daddies) out there - love your kids. Teach them to love each other. Teach them respect, honesty, integrity. Teach them patience and allow them to experience disappointment. But more than anything, teach them through your example.

At the end of the day, you are not going to be thinking about the trophies and awards that your children have accumulated... but the character that makes them. Build them up, and they will keep you going!

Mommy! Look! Balloons!!

There are those days that we have as mothers where we are so wound up and overflowing with stress, that we forget to enjoy our children.

Sometimes we - or at least I will admit for myself - get annoyed with our kids and get stuck in a funk of being annoyed with every little thing the child says.

A week ago or so I was having a really rough time with staying positive... just waiting and hoping every day there, for a while, that nap time or bed time would just hurry up so I can have a break.

And then Hannah (almost 3) said something that hit me between the eyes and softened my heart...

"Mommy! Look!!! Balloons!!!" 

The tender innocence of my child broke me. The simple awe and wonder that she portrayed made me snap out of my mood and mentally slap myself.

THIS IS A BABY! Yes, she (and her siblings) spill things, make gigantic messes, fight with each other, constantly tug at my clothes for something, demand attention, love, and hugs CONSTANTLY... BUT! They. Are. Children. They. Are. INNOCENT!

Moments like these make me really disappointed in myself. Maybe I am too immature to be the mother that they need? I'm 26 and I have five kids. What have I done to them?

I can imagine that I am not the only one who gets caught up in selfish thinking... but I surprise myself in a bad way sometimes.

I would die for these children. If I could give my heart to Micah, a new set of eyes (although mine aren't a good trade) to Lily, anything to the others... I would. I would attack the heck out of anyone who would dare mess with my kids.

And here I am.... not being the way I would expect others to be with my babies.

No, I'm not abusive. I don't think I'm a bad parent. But days like this simply remind me that we need to stop and smell the roses. This includes stopping to look at the balloons with our sweet little babies.

Stop and "smell the children" perhaps ;) lol

Stop trying to rush things and enjoy your sweet little creations.


I can tell you one thing for sure - if you catch yourself finding awe and wonder in balloons a little more often and find yourself annoyed a little less often.. I think you will be satisfied with yourself at the end of the day a little bit more :)

It is hard being strong for everyone else, when you feel so weak

As most people imagine, being a mother of five is not glamorous or picture perfect in the slightest. Not only do I have five children, but one of them has special needs. Although he does not have a mental handicap, Micah's heart defect does not make him an average child. With the constant visits to the cardiologists and the pediatrician, plus other check ups, I have been kept quite busy with just this one child. That, in addition to the two open heart surgeries he's had in the past seven months, has made the entire last half of 2012 almost a blur.

Not only do I have my baby who has his congenital heart disease, but one of my twins has an eye problem and requires glasses and regular trips to the ophthalmologist, which is 30 miles away. I take my son and pick him up from school five days a week, keep up with his homework, make sure I take care of the bills, grocery shopping, making and preparing three meals a day, and other doctors appointments, as well. I hurt my neck two weeks ago and have already seen the chiropractor four times. I got shingles when we were first home from the hospital when Micah was only a month old. I nurse the baby, now, about six times a day. I always feel like I am rushed, everywhere I go. I am rushed to take care of the children, I am rushed to do my duties the wife, I am rushed to spend my free time and to hurry up and have fun.

I had five children in just over six years. Having twins really messed up my body, and I cannot get over the fact that I look like someone who recently had weight loss surgery and was left with some excess skin in the stomach area. My self esteem, physically, has been shot for about four, almost five years now. I have lost weight, but I guess you could say I am feeling a bit discouraged right now in almost all areas of my life.

The only thing good that I have going for me, in this moment, is the fact that I have my children and my husband. The reason that I am writing this is because I need to see it on paper, that even though I have a million things going on, the above sentence is what matters in this life. I need to remind myself that I do have my five children and my husband. I need to slap myself out of this self pity and almost depression, and not let it get any further than this. I need to continue to be strong, no matter how I'm feeling. These children and my husband need me.

Why am I writing this for other people to see? Because I know that you, out there, might be feeling the way that I am, too. I know that I can't be the only one feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and sometimes hopeless. But the truth is, I am NOT hopeless. I'm tired. That's what it is, I'm tired.

Life is all about choices. Do I wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Do I prepare a full on gourmet dinner for my family tonight, or do I make sandwiches? Do I stay knocked down, or do I get back up and live as the woman that I know I am? Sometimes we pick the good choice, sometimes we don't. I think I have had enough of picking the choice to feel defeated. When my son was born with tricuspid atresia, I made the decision that I would not become defeated from this. I need to also make that decision for my life. I need to find a source to get my stress out. I need to find strength in other people, perhaps? Whatever I am going to do, I'm going to reach out, reach up, and push onward. Jacob, Leah, Lily, Hannah, Micah, and my husband all deserve that from me. And you want to know the truth? I deserve that, too.

And so do you