The Night That My Whole World Changed

I was pregnant with my fifth child... I had already given birth to four healthy children, including a set of twins who were brought to full-term. Every pregnancy was pretty typical, and nothing felt anything but normal. But this pregnancy was different. Something was off.

Early on in this pregnancy, I had some awful feelings in the pit of my stomach, like something was deeply wrong with my child. Every doctor appointment I was literally waiting for the doctor to tell me what was wrong with my baby. Every doctor appointment would end the same, essentially: the baby is healthy, the pregnancy is going well, there's nothing to worry about.

This feeling haunted me, however. The worry slipped away for no more than a day after checkups, and it was always quick to come back and swarm my mind. "You're never going to bring your son home from the hospital, Rebecca. Don't waste your time setting up his clothes and crib. There is something very, very wrong with your baby."

I remember sharing the feelings with my husband, occasionally, and some other close relatives, here and there. But no matter what, nothing took the feeling away.

Time got closer, and it was finally the day to have my baby. My husband and I prayed about our son, and told God that we would love Micah, no matter how he came. We blissfully went on with pre-op and waited for the arrival of our boy.

Micah was born, and everything changed. My son was born with severe heart defects and would not be able to survive without three open heart surgeries! The shock that went through my husband and myself is in-explainable. Suddenly we were in survival mode.

Fast-forward to six years later, we have been through so many periods of waiting, wondering, and hoping for the future. Seeing our son hooked up to wires as an infant, too weak to nurse until after his first surgery, was absolutely shocking. Most people carried on with their lives and sent us words of encouragement along the way. All the while my husband and I were allowing our minds to wrap around the insane reality of what it would mean to have a sick child.

Micah wasn't "fixed" with his first, second, or third surgery. The likelihood of him requiring more surgeries in the future is pretty high, and the need for more heart catheters is 100% going to happen. He's been under anesthesia 6 different times, he's had countless blood tests, chest x-rays, special shots, and other examinations. He still takes medication every 12 hours to control his blood pressure, as well as a daily aspirin to prevent blood clots.

I believe that I developed PTSD from having a child with such life-threatening issues. Seeing a child suffer and have to recover from something as huge as open heart surgery is something very difficult to wrap one's mind around. It's something I'd never wish upon anyone, yet I know dozens of people who have gone through the same thing, or worse, with their own children.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to share that if you're going through this with your own child or someone you love, I want you to know that you're going to get through it and you are NOT alone. It's the hardest, scariest thing in your life to see such a small being go through surgeries and hospital stays, etc, but you will get through it. Things will get better.

I believe that I was able to work through my PTSD and heal along the way, because I sought support and didn't clam up (at least not forever). There is help out there for you. Facebook will most likely have a very specific support group for your child's exact disease. People out there know exactly what you're going through, and it is SO comforting to know others who have walked the same path you are just beginning.

I know for many of you, you have gone through these same experiences - whether you found out during your pregnancy or at birth. I hope you have found the support you need to adjust to your new life. More than anything, I want you to know you're not alone, and there are people out in this world who want nothing more than to help you through.

I'm one of them.

If I don't know you, but you are experiencing something like this and you feel like you are alone, message me. I will be your ear.

Becca
heyimbecca@gmail.com